as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
