You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
