I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
