so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
