My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
