Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
