Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
