oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
