never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
