I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Drake has all the answers
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
