my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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