I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
