Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
