she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
