i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
