xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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