I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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