Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
