You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
