She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
