I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
