I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
