wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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