He disabled his match.com account in front of me
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
