It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
