Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
