she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
