Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
