I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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