Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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