I just pynch a tree in the face
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize