don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
