You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
