They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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