ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
