I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
