When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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