You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
