I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize