I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
