The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So here I am, sexting at work.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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