Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize