If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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