just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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