A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
