Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I AM VODKA MAN
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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