He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
