Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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