My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My nipple is on Facebook.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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