On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
