I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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