She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
