the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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