From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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