He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
