Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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