The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
my shit smells like andre
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
