it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
