I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
