Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
